The Night Before Valentine's by Sierra Kay
Twas the night before Valentines and all through the house.
Nothing was stirring, not the cat or pet mouse.
The children were settled snoring in their bed.
While dad’s in his office, banging his head.
Years ago he bought his wife a car detailing Groupon.
Well, she had been complaining about needing the car done.
Apparently through the shrieks of a banshee he soon found out.
Women didn’t want to know their gift was on 50% discount.
And the year after that made him shudder at the very thought.
So sure the perfect gift for his wife was what he bought.
Presented her with one carat diamond earrings, solitare.
He messed up when he bought his mother and sister the exact same pair.
After last year’s debacle things were kind of the tense.
Wifey eyeballed him at dinner, daring him to miss.
He thought he had done well, but it erupted into a war
Apparently nipple clamps and lingerie made her feel like a whore.
Every year he plotted and planned and fell quite short
No matter how much he spent or saved, she had a sarcastic retort
No matter how much effort put in, how much thought he chose to exhibit
Mid-February through April, without fail he was quite celibate
So stealthily he stepped. Up one step, now up two
Hopping over the step that squeaked and would give her a clue
He gently opened the door and felt around in the dark
Until on his knees he collapse beside his mind’s last spark
Gently he listened to ensure the Wife hadn’t heard
Nary a peep did he hear, not a footfall nor a word
To the oracle he consulted, embarrassing but what the hey
Pssst. Baby girl, wake up, “What does your mom want for Valentine’s Day?”